Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Zero-Hour's LiveJournal:

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Friday, February 27th, 2009
4:24 am	so this shit's still here... -i get intensely emotional out of nowhere these days. -and as stressed out as i've been lately it's still a lot better off than i was when i was with her. -pretty pissed off at how far i've let things slip. -i need to get a dry-erase board to post goals/achievements. -warhammer 40k army is progressing nicely... i should cause a stir provided mikey and justin haven't made any crafty purchases i haven't foreseen. -i'm not sure if i'm a pessimist, nihilist, realist or a cynic... but i'm pretty sure i don't want to be any of them. -if i act like i'm so damn sure i'm the greatest shit, why do i doubt everything i ever do? -is success really about material wealth and stability; have i had it wrong all this time? -am i even really sure enough to use a semi-colon? -i need to chill out... i don't even know why in the hell i'm so intense lately... it's not like me, and it feels strange. things are in all reality going swimmingly -i need to stop using terms like 'swimmingly' -i am however fond of this bullet point thought format... but in reality this may be my last livejournal post ever... however the near total lack of people still using this is kinda sweet. -am reminded of henchmen, poetry and seemingly simpler times... of course i s'pose they weren't really simpler... things have certainly gotten more complicated... but what will i say in 5 or 10 years? likely i'll think that i hadn't even seen the beginning of sorrow, that contrition was a word i couldn't even define... why is it that today... now... has always been my saddest day? -i need to let go of yesterday... it's always bringin' me down. -march first is the beginning of 'straight edge month'... i haven't told anyone about it but paulie... and he's doing the same... i better fucking be able to pull it off... -if i get home at 3am and i'm still up at 4:46am which is only 1 3/4hrs later and someone in at my parents house moves... why do i feel guilty? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
2:31 pm	work may break my body, girls may break my heart... but nothing can break my spirit just finished work 10(ten) consequtive open shifts(5:30am)... on day 4 alicia broke up with me(the particulars aren't important)... my parent's have spent the week camping... it's been a bit of a trip to be completly honest... it's been taxing to say the least... and i've spent most of that time alone... reflecting... the day after the break-up while i was wrapped up in my own thoughts... i was chatting with our maintenance manager ronnie... he had moved the day before... it turns out that one of the girls from timothey's cafe(in the hotel) was also moving... but her movers hadn't arrived yet... being the guy he is ronnie quickly finishes his own moving before spending the rest of the night moving her... with her uncle... it turns out her uncle is a very nice, grateful man of 45 who ronnie hits it off with immediately... who passed away of a heart attack that night... ronnie also in his 40's was a bit thrown... it kinda started to put things into perspective... no matter how bad my life seemed at that moment... i've lost an uncle... it's far worse... yesterday my nephew was born... new life... kinda makes mine seem small... there have been many other things that have to do with people very close to me... but since it isn't anyone else's buisness i will omit them from this post... i've kinda started to realise my place in the world... one breif tiny blip on the radar of life... so short you can hardly be sure it was ever there at all... except for a few... so very few that flash so bright the rest of the world seems on fire around it... at the end of the day... and i mean before the BIG sleep... the instant before you kick off there's no world... no friends... no family... no bright light... no tunnel... just you... and that's when you're measured... your own judge... your own jury... and condemnation will come from your own hand... i just want to believe in myself... so i've decided that i've been doing pretty fucking awesome lately... and as long as i can put one foot in front of the other i'll continue to do better... i won't let anything stop me... i'll believe in myself... and i'll set the world on fire... cheesey yes... but damn that feels better than you would believe!!! peace and love... forgive but never forget... a mind that's open lasts the best part of eternity... -zero- Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
1:10 am	first post in a while... mostly useless - mostly nofx quotes it's been a long time... a lot has heppened... i dunno if my apprenticeship was in full swing yet... i know i haven't mentioned alicia... it's been like 6 months now... so i'm sure that's worth noting... she's pretty much perfect... she listens... is willing to learn the things i actually know about... asks enough of the right questions so that i'll realise when i don't know what i'm talking about... she's tiny (5'0") and she fits me perfectly... my parents adore her... when she sleeps over and i work at 5am and she works at 10:30 she gets up and has tea with my ma... who loves her dearly... my dad calls her my mom's daughter... i alledgedly start school in sept... i have about 1500/6000 hours logged under my chef... i'm going to see dillenger escape plan and AFI on thurs... and hope to see warped tour in aug... work is exhausting... i need a vacation and don't know what to do with it... either way... new nofx rocks... _____________random shit from new nofx_____ "Jesus Christ will resurrect He's got his BMI royalty to collect He's not the white fragile hippie He looks and acts more like an indignant ICE-T Jesus Christ is coming back He wants to kick Mel Gibson's ass Superstar, The Passion of He wants his money, not your love" "With our ass in the air and our heads in the ground There's no sense of despair, without sight, without sound We hold our ears and shut our eyes Distant screams morph into lullabies We beat indifferent drum, we pound it till we're numb We validate, rationalize, corroborate each others lives Pat my back and I'll pat yours, benevolent conquistadors We piss down throats, shit in cupped hands Wipe our asses with all foreign flags We beat indifferent drum, we pound it till we're numb 20 feet high, 2 feet thick, barbed wire, razor blades The wall was built to keep them out while keeping us in goose step parades We don't questions what we've become We march to the beat of the same indifferent drum We beat it till we're numb, we beat it till we're numb" "When they tightly strap me in, give me lethal injection, Just a few moments to live, no remorse for what I did, It was for the betterment of man, I gave the utmost sacrifice, Before more damage could be done I took his life. There was a split second of silence when the dart punctured the skin, Beady eyes rolled back in head, the body dropped from the poison, They could incapacitate me, but could not erase my sneer, I heard a thousand people screaming, while three billion others cheered, He was gone, and I would soon be... Executed by the state, all appeals would be in vain, I was not criminally insane, in fact I was found to be, An otherwise caring and respectable member of society, A minor threat except for that one man I killed. As the sedatives take effect, I just smile, close my eyes, There's a priest kneeling next to me, he asks me if I realize, I was going straight to hell, and he thought that I should know, That the man I killed's replacement planned this whole scenario, And what I did had no significance at all." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 5th, 2006
3:17 pm	it's a loss for the past few years it seems as though my life has had a dreamlike quality to it... an unreality... people have come and gone... many have hurt me... some without reason or provocation... it's strange to me when someone i counted as a friend, first starts talking smack about me... and then out of nowhere shouts at me, insults me and storms off... i know that things like this happen sometimes between friends... and often it passes... i get the feeling this won't... it's unfortunate, but it appears to me that the cause is simply a part of my nature... i talk too much... sometimes about things i may not know as much of as i think i do... but i can't help but shake the feeling that's it's for other reasons that this thing has happened... but that's niether here nor there... i bear no ill will... and as is my nature all is forgiven... i won't pretend to apologise however for my nature... as i would never ask you to... i've done nothing wrong... so let this be the last i'll think on the matter... its senselessness seeks to devour me... be mindful of the tenth commandment my friend... i'm sorry it had to be like this... it's a loss -zero- Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
3:04 am	and altercation with my favourite (former henchman) i was horrified when knuckles approached me to tell me that that blasted do gooder (insert any random character or persona cause you won't get it from me) had duped him into letting him free... another hour or so and he would have been slowly dipped into a vat of super heated metals... fortunately i had watched dune recently (which i'm actually doing now) and fitted each of my beloved henchmen with heartplugs (like the harkonen... such ruthless filthy bastards... oh how i wish i were one.)... i know that knuckles is (was) my favourite... but i was up against a wall... i couldn't very well install these devices (at a dear cost i might add) and not show that i was now only willing... but chomping at the bit to utilize them... so as i delivered a long and epic speech(filled with big words and panoramic imagery) i grabbed tighly on the hoop and pulled... now i don't want anyone to think that i'm a monster... it broke my heart to do so... and in mourning i've decided to delay finding his replacment for at least a day or two... i don't know who i'll find to fill his place... his uncanny knack of finishing my gin a juice just in time to thrust it into my hand as i stretch it out... but alas i must try... but it was somewhat hypnotizing to watch as the red river poured out from his chest... even if it was just to see that the money i'd spent on the venture hadn't been foolishly wasted... but the fact still remains that although my henchmen have been properly motivated... that damnable hero has once again eluded my grasp... ************************ moral of the story ************************ heart plugs = cool having henchmen foil your plots = heart plugs there having imbicilic henchmen = fun the whole family can enjoy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
5:39 pm	<td align="center"> Mark sykes's random George Bush quote: "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there. -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000" Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> <td align="center">Your walk is: Full of Determination Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> <td align="center"> Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
6:37 pm	Your Social Dysfunction: Schizotypal You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results. plus we put my dog down yesterday... but i'll post about that later RIP maestro 1990 - 2006 (Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
7:57 pm	well... i don't know what to say... Your aura shines Red! What Color Is Your Aura? brought to you by Quizilla (Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
3:52 pm	DOG - Your daemon may be a dog if you are loyal and caring, and like to know what is expected of you. You probably are very family oriented, and have a small group of friends that you are very close to, rather than a large group of acquaintances. You dislike confrontation, but you will stand up and fight for the people and issues that you really care about. You may prefer someone else to take the lead in a situation, although you would rather take the lead yourself than have the situation fall apart. You probably enjoy routine and order, but that doesn't mean you don't like to have fun. If anything, your friends probably know you for getting intense, child-like pleasure in the small things in life. What Is Your Daemon? brought to you by Quizilla it's a really nice day out... going hiking with butler... then helping em arrange her living room... think i'm going to further restrict drinking, etc...i guess i've been doing alright lately... but more and more it just seems like more trouble than it's worth... a little while ago chef changed our grats system so they were merit based... if you did something stupid you lose grats... if you do something extra you get extra grats... anyways... chef went on vacation for two weeks... and showed up the day after we had 140 boxers staying at the hotel for a tournament we were hosting that was a sattelite for the commonwealth games... it was a lot of work for everyone... but my other day line guy was also on vacation for two weeks... which left me to feed these hungry boxers a breakfast buffet every morning alone... as well as keep on top of prep, feed bowling leagues... and your everyday walk in diners... which on friday and saturday are many... needless to say i worked many 10hr shifts at a dead sprint... chef showed up the morning after said boxers... and the morning after the staff party... luckily i hadn't drank very much... and wasn't out very late... so i felt fine... but he proceeded to walk into the fridge and freak out for about 6 hours about how fucked up everything was... he said that no one in the kitchen was getting grats... 'cept me and frank... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
12:09 am	some of that random insight i sometimes scare myself with i know things now about myself... and like always when i figure it out... it always seems so simple... but it's always such a shock... to me at least... i know that balance is the prime guiding force in the universe... i know that indulging in joy will bring an equal amount of pain(un-joy)... and that working hard to achieve a state of being wil satisfy that balancing negative so that the positive may be free of taint and be clear to enjoy at it's most potent... i always need to have my back against the wall... it's a fact... if i'm not fighting for my very survival i'm simply not alive... it's absurd... i know... but until now and likely sometime afterwards i'm unable to fix the problem... so... for now i simply find the most constructive means available to utilize it... currantly and most constructivley... is work... dedicating myself totally to becoming the impossible employee they're looking for...*** V *** *** if indulging in istant gratification will bring an equal amount of toil(pain, discomfort, etc...)later... then toil or work first will bring clear, clean and pure satisfaction... soonish...*** thus... indulgance in unhealthy activities is limited (if not eradicated)... as it will bring a negative backlash invariably... however... untilizing personal moral values... and exersizing them... becomes more !!!!which brings me to my next point... one i always knew would come... one i knew i could never anticipate the how... one that would strike deep in a weakness i'd never realised in myself... until it was too late... and it happened... and i'm astonished... I CALLED YOU A BROTHER!!!... i believed in you... and you soul'ed everyone OUT!... and everything you once claimed to value... it breaks my heart to see... i know deep down it's not your fault... you need to burn it all down... before you can build something pure... i knew you'd have to sever ties... i took the initiative to make it easier... i left so you might not have to burn it all down... so there would never have to be this heat between us... and finally when i was all done... when things were finally balanced within you... and we could continue on as if no time had passed... but you killed it... with rough, seething ill will... sickening hands... calloused from the plauge you carry... that you believe you willingly spread... (so ruined) and from such honest and proud roots... steadfast and true... from those roots you'd spin the curse... you'll never have forgivness from me for this... you could have done anything to me... ANYTHING... but instead you attacked someone i care for... and more over and most importantly you sold out someone you pledged loyalty to... someone YOU CARED FOR!... how?... why? when i die i know at the heart of it there will be three things i can count on... in rememberance my friends and family will reminice and reflect in my name... honour me and commit me back to the rawness of nature i started my journey from... and once my worldly remains are buried and forgotten... i'll have my word... MY WORD!!! who i was... what i stood for... who i stood BY!... never to forget he/(She) who stood near me... and heald me when i was weakest... cursed be he! who cast ill will... FALSE FRIEND!... he who would turn on those who loved without prejudice... let that be YOUR curse robert... let it hang on your head for decades more like it has on decades past... until you can learn that the joy of life comes from watching it flourish... not from using the poison of your own failures to kill the soil ... EMPTY -ZERO- (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
5:28 pm	U.S.A - 2, Finland - 4 hurray! U.S. loses... some of the most consistently dirty hockey i've ever seen... not only do i blame the players... but mostly the coach... who it would seem encouraged this... since otherwise at some point in the tournament it should have subsided if it were discouraged... justice is served... the states get fuck all... except of course the reputation that comes from having allowed such terrible sportsmanship to happen... also... i would like to mention how solid finland was in the tournament... they said that they've fasioned their hockey program after canada's... and with that having been said i couldn't be more proud of our reputation internationally... they played hard, never let up, and were worth admiration... worthy of the bronze they were awarded if not more... my apologies if you thought there might be more to this post... there's not (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
5:38 pm	blah blah blag Greed: Medium   Gluttony: Medium   Wrath: Low   Sloth: High   Envy: Low   Lust: High   Pride: Medium   Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz i'm generally unsuprised... things continue to go well... working hard makes me feel good it turns out... hooray!!! -zero- (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
6:39 pm	losing touch... things continue to go well... which makes for particularly uninteresting livejournal posts... i miss the mik's crew... alot... i still get out... and i've seen everybody every now and again lately... had some wacky times... etc... i was walking past mikado's on my way to catch a bus home... and with winter being all a mess about the ground and such... there was a smell... not one i could place... prolly an amalgamation of all the scents from the area melting together... add in a little winter... and i was instantly transported back to last winter... some afully great times were had... great enough in fact for me to walk to mikado's from my house in each and every heavy snowfall/blizzard of the year with $10 in my pocket to go meet my peeps... funny... i was in a super bad way then... left in the rubble of things that were once so promising... still unable to shake myself out of a break-up, no job and no money... my move to toronto an abysmal failure... but i still can't help but remember them fondly... i'm sure that those times were instrumental in me ending up where i am now... i recieved so much inflinching love... and when i needed it most... and it gave me the courage to do what i must... and filled me with self worth... and then i couldn't help but think about how different that same scene is now from what it was less than a year ago... to hang out with all those people i would now have to circulate thru two, three or maybe even more tables... there's drama and polotics everywhere... or at least it feels like there is... not like i even really know anymore since i'm never around... but it makes me sad to see the people responsible for making me whole split apart... All Outta Angst - NOFX I'm not insane, I'm not bummed out I got no one to blame, nothing to change I got no evil to fight One thing's for sure, I'm all Outta angst Society don't bother me And there's something wrong with that So I'm off to Pakistan, learn the laws of Islam Fundamentalism, forget that rock 'n' roll No cigarette, no drink, in fact It's difficult to think about getting laid When you don't even get to see her face I'm not insane I'm not insane, I'm not liquored up I got nothin' to do, nothin' to lose I got no place to call home One thing's for sure, I'm all outta angst Society don't bother me, there's something wrong with that Next step Mongolia Don't get to golf or fuck or bowl with ya Throw out that handicap No stepping out, till spring, in fact it's Difficult to sing when it's 20 below And that's during the day I'm not insane Current Mood: nostalgic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
5:12 pm	things certainly seem to be going my way (touch wood)... on tuesday mike... a guy from work... asked me if i wanted to go to T.O. on thursday... which i had off... then he decided to go at about 6pm on wed... after work tuesday i called up butler to see if he was home... he asked me if i wanted to take the bus up to T.O. on wed after he got off work at about 6pm to go visit rugz... such an excellent turn of luck... we got a ride up with my buddies and booted around looking for a beer store... which was closed... so we went to mick E fynn's and got carded... so we went to this place called hoops... after a bit rugz calls a friend of his who reminds him that the wine rack is open til 11pm... we get a bottle of wine and the merriment continues... the next day while rugz was at work butler and i decided to check out some stores on young... while we're eating our mc donalds i can't avoid looking at the LCBO right across the street... we enlist the aid of a certain russian prince and some foutain beverages from 7-11... nerd stores and other such cool things were everywhere... and we spent about 4 hrs walking about 4 or 5 blocks... 401 magic convinience was a great store with lots of sweet nerdly action figures... (un)fortunately i didn't have money to waste on such things as sephiroth and vincent FFVII figures... butler got a super sweet web of spider man toy... then we spent like an hour and a half at this huge poster store... we wanted many... especially the double size ones... we finished out drinks in there... i got a hot-ass cameron diaz poster... butler got the empire strikes back and ministry of silly walks... on the way back rugz called to say he got off early just as we found a beer store that was not only open but two blocks from rugby's house... much much more happened in toronto... it was super-great fun... came home last night at 4:30am... i'll be going out tonight if anyone else is... got myself a case of beer to sip before then... winter's here... the air feels electric to me... i don't know why... but i feel a little pumped up... like there's something big just over the horizon... i feel bouyant... things have certainly been going my way... and i never could have imagined that it could be like this... i sleep well... no more running shit thru my head every night... stressing myself out... running around in mental circles... there's personal harmony... self-saticfaction... i still fuck up... but it never seems that bad anymore... sometimes i'll do something that'll make me wince to think about a few days later... but it's never anything serious... i still spend too much money sometimes... but i'm making headway on my debt load... it's all be a lot of hard work and serious self-reflection... it certainly hasn't been easy... but it's been worth-while... and i guess it can only get better... as long as i keep my head on straight... keep working hard... and keep my goals and ambitions in mind... "The advantage is never given. It's taken" -zero- Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
6:02 pm	easier said than done... it seems as though there's been a coup... irresposibility has won a few key victories... but i knew the battle would be tough... bills have been paid... money: largely conserved... homeland approval rating is up... i'm not gunna be too tough on myself... i think i won some brownie points at work for showing up after butler's birthday... leaving the party directly to go to work at 5am... visibly shaken... but i stood tall(ish) and worked a 9 hour shift... without bitching or whining in any way... not a peep... wed night was wholly irresponsible... but in the best way... random limo drive thru the falls... i don't remember looking out the windows once... i haven't had my bank card on me since butler's birthday on monday... so although i have a few people to pay back... i believe i still have some cash money... i'm trying out one of those heating pad thingies for your back... the one with the guy who says he feels good enough to do a backflip then thinks better of it... i'm a fan... it's wierd though... it actually gets physically warm... and says it might burn old people... i think i may want to know more about the chemical process going on so very close to my skin... cause everyone know that everything gives you cancer... turns out cialis and viagra and those type of medication is making people lose their sight... lol... proving once and for all if you don't stop playing with it you'll go blind... the war continues... i shall battle on to improve my standard of living... but i shall rest easy knowing that some battles have been won... and more will be won tomorrow... -zero- (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
8:50 pm	it's been kinda strange... lately sometimes... i get this strange feeling... maybe it's tranquility... maybe it's peace... who knows... but i like it... it only comes for mere moments... at the strangest times... i just had such a moment just a moment ago... sitting in my garage... having a cigarette... smoking a bit of a J... and there it was... the tempurature was perfect... it was quiet... and everything just seemed to humm with the same energy... you may say i was just stonned... and maybe i was... but it felt great... after a "late night"... the next day and several days afterward i get all pissy... i'm sure it must throw off chemical balances everywhere... and since i seem to already be chemically inbalanced i think it would be a handy explaination... but of course many will... and will rightly... say: "but it's soooooo good."... and to those people i say... "you're right"... however... despite the fact that i do not really exemplify the fact... balance is my guiding principle... karma and the like... for every good there is an equal bad... "pain for pleasure" as the saying goes... so something very good must also be very bad... indulging in the "immediate gratification" part of my nature gives pleasure first leaving the debt of pain to be paid.. but... what happens then, when you labour beforehand for pleasure later? if the debt of pain is already paid... then the pleasure will be pure... nothing to regret... sure... i will indulge... it's my nature... and i'll pay the price to be paid... but i think i want to focus on working for good things for now... focus on building things on a healthy foundation... i like the feeling i get when i do a good job... i like being proud of myself... so maybe these peacful moments can stretch... and maybe lead to a peacful life... not boring mind you... but one i can be proud of... and sleep easy... -zero- (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
1:11 pm	a new sherrif in town... i've declaired marshall law... 7:00pm curfew... my paycheck shall be spent on parents and other relavent outstanding debts... prohibition... save mary jane... no alchol... and above all no misc... mission: pay off shit!!! do better at work... school in january must be set in final order... do well getting to... and in school... stop fucking around... time to take some shit seriously and get my ass in gear... i'm in a position to be fairly set-up if i don't fuck around... so i'm on lock-down now... i can't have it both ways... i'm definately happy with how life's going at the moment... but i get the feeling i'm walking the razor's edge and i don't know in what respect... so i'm just gunna focus for a bit til i get shit under control... repress any insurgencies 'til i'm in a better position... this could very well last a while... and i know that i haven't even really been around much lately... but one or two nights a week sure can releive me of a paycheck... time to get it right... Your Birthdate: November 2 You're so intuitive, it's like you have a sixth, seventh, and eighth sense. You connect with others freely and easily - and you tend to have many best friends. Warm and caring, it's hard for you to close your heart to anyone. Affection is like air for you - you need to give and receive it to survive. Your strength: Your universal compassion Your weakness: Your unpredictable mood swings Your power color: Mauve Your power symbol: Butterfly Your power month: February What Does Your Birth Date Mean? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
10:55 am	tomorrow's my birthday... and not that they're really that special to me... i don't even book them off anymore... but yesterday we recieved a new conract... and i now have 140 people to feed by 7:15am... which means what was my only 5am shift this week is now a 4:30am or earlier shift... so needless to say by the end of that shift i'm likely to be quite beat... judging by the patterns of such days... i'm likely to take a nap... and this nap will likely stretch until thursday... my other day off... i'm going to try to make it out tomorrow... i hope to... so if anyone doesn't see me out by 11:00pm... gimme a shout at home... anyway... no special developments or insights... nothing to bitch about... or be particularly happy about... so i hope everyone had a rocktacular halloween... later -zero- Current Mood: high (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
3:20 pm	fitter, happier, more productive... things seem to be going quite well for me... my luck's on... i thought i had given up all my days off this week... i got called in yesterday and the day before... one of many problems with being 1 of 3 people who know how to open the restaurant... but i was given today off and i think i made some friends in managment with my self sacrifice... even if i was a whiney little twat on tuesday... but fall... as fall always does... in fall's special way... seems to have cast it's gloomy shadow over everyone... at work everyone is a little extra testy... a little short... i've noticed through LJ and a few birdies who still seek me out to pile the newest bits of drama atop me... things are still not well in DT land... that's too bad... it really is... but the more i stay away from it the more i realise it never WAS okay... i miss everyone so much... but what i miss most is the fun there USED to be... it's not like that anymore... raucous laughter and insane good times... something changed that... and now every night is the same... and ends the same... i think that's where drama comes in... something to involve a bunch of people who otherwise have nothing constructive to add to eachother... but all the while i myself am feeling more at peace... calmer... i've always said fall was a great time to be alone... but now i sleep better... love myself a little more... i'm getting things straight inside of me... i'm healing... i don't know exactly from what... probably just a lifetime of abusing myself... mentally, physically and emotionally... soon i think it'll be time to try and rebuild healthy ties that i so uncerimoniously severed... time to put aside hard feelings... and to trust myself enough to do the right thing... and make the right choices... it's kinda funny... i always thought growing up would be something i could fight against... but i'm starting to think it was something that was bound to happen wether i wanted it to or not... a little hard work, some effort... and a driving need to prove my self worth to myself... i think i'm starting to figure a thing or two out about myself... contentment isn't a feeling i'm very familiar with... but i think i could get used to it... as long as i don't let it turn into stagnation... -zero- (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
12:20 am	i've been thinking again... working at 5am everyday sucks as much as it sounds like it does... but... it's been keeping me largly out of trouble... i've induldged a few times in the past month or two, but not often... perhaps more in those few occasions than i'd like... but lately my general consuption has been at an all time low... when the bar closes at 2:30a and i work at 5:00a... i choose sleep at least 85% of the time... which is down from 16% - 25% of the time*... i keep turning things in my head... and i've realised i spend a lot of time creating demons to face... and to be quite honest... that's pretty retarded... it's all just kinda hit me now... i really just fuck myself over... and then look at myself as a victim... first things first... i think i should stop doing that... i'm really not doing too badly... i'm tough and things have never gone so well... but i need to start thinking a little smarter in the things i do and the choices i make... on january i start classes and in a few years i'll be a full on chef and free to run where ever i please and make some good money doing so... live in the mountains somewhere maybe... but: I NEED TO ACCUMULATE SURPLUS FUNDS! the only way to do that is to spend little (inexxessive) amounts regularly(at most)... instead of assinine amounts rarely... i need to get this computer unfucked... joseph i'm off tuesday wednesday... i may see you tomorrow(mon)night... i just need to start facing my shit one by one... forget about the items that can't be made better... and get ready to grow up... it looks like life kinda started without me... i'm afraid if i don't catch up quickly it'll leave without me... but i think if i just keep on trucking and keep on doing what i'm doing i might just pull through and be someone i can believe in... maybe see a thing or two along the way... but i think the "late nights" have to go... it's been a long time of consistent proof why... i guess you can't fight nature... either way... i think everything just might be alright. P.S. if every 80's action movie tought be anything it's by the end of the second act... i will likely die in a grizzly assassination... -zero- (Comment on this)